The End | The Beginning


I’m not sure how to write this post. I’ve thought about ignoring the subject altogether, like I did last year, but it seems like at some point it would become obvious my life has drastically changed and someone would notice and I’d have to explain. Writing helps me deal a little bit with what is happening, too, so in some ways it’s for selfish reasons that I’m telling you now.

I never mentioned it last year until it was over, but Zachary and I separated for a while in 2011. Then we got back together. Now we are apart again.

This time the apartness will be permanent.

There will be no details about the sad event or the whys or the hows. Those personal pieces don’t need to be shared. What I will share is how I feel when I miss my kids when I’m not with them. What I will share is how I am job hunting while also running a business and trying to figure out if there’s a way, any way, to make my part time business into something that will support a household consisting of me and four children.  And about how I then freak out worrying that nothing I can find will support a household of five. I’ll share how I’m adjusting to a hugely reduced income and hope you all will chime in with ways to cut expenses.

Perhaps this explains some of my previous posts, ones written intentionally vague. Like about how Zachary will not be at Disney World with us. But I’m happy to report my uncle in Texas has graciously offered to go in his place, and the kids and I are looking forward to an early winter getaway.

I’m typing this from a new place. I’ll be away from my children 50% of the time – they are staying in our house while Zachary and I move in and out when we are not with the kids, an arrangement that will last until the end of the school year, when we split residences completely. We didn’t want to the kids to have to move yet. For now I’m renting a room closer to my job base and will stay here on my non-kid days. Yesterday was my first day here. I’ve got a desk, a bed, a bookshelf and a gaping, jagged hole in my heart. Cliche, but damn if it isn’t true.

The house is quiet. Silent in a way that is vastly different from the contended peace of a house full of occupied or sleeping children. It’s a quiet that tells me my babies aren’t here. I miss them.

______________________________________________

I was packing and getting ready to move when Just Write happened, so we’ll consider this my contribution.

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Comments

  1. Heather, I am sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult season. I can’t imagine what it is like to be removed from your kids 50% of the time. But I would like to applaud you for being so brave and transparent. It is very endearing.

  2. Hmmm, I know how the silence must feel…and missing your kids, yes! That’s awful. But moments like this, trials like this make us better at life. Wishing you strength and faith all the way. Let the little sunshine rays come into your life. It makes a difference. =>

  3. I’m sorry to hear about the adjustments you are having to make -I wish you luck with the changes.

  4. Thinking of you! I know this new transition will have it’s joys and challenges, but know there are so many people in your life who will rally around in support!

  5. Great writing on a tough subject. Saddened for you, Z, and the kids as this is hard on everyone. You are a good Mama and will continue to be one – that won’t change. Life will be harder, no doubt, but from what I remember you are a resourceful, dedicated woman and I know you fill forge a path forward. Thinking of you!

Trackbacks

  1. […] soon. Actually, I’ve sent in resumes for a handful of full time jobs, as well, just because my new economic and life situation is going to require more income than my business currently provides, but the pickings are slim out […]

  2. […] and even if – to do it. My brother and his wife lost their baby girl. Zachary and I are divorcing. These were the tough […]

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